Outcome = Uncertain

Today I am uncertain, and perhaps a bit emotional.  My SO is going to see a rheumatologist.  It is uncertain what he may expect, only that the possibilities before him do not look very good.  It is also uncertain, once he talks to a specialist, if he will know anything new, only that this doctor is well equipped to answer the questions as yet unanswered.

 I knew all of this going into my meditation.  I began burning frankincense and sat down to do the very same meditation that I did yesterday, because the results were so intense, and I felt I needed the boost in energies.  I was able to do the Middle Pillar very easily, not as easily as yesterday, but easier than most.  However, when I started to meditate on the tetragrammaton, I was unable.

As I said the first letter, Yud, my attentions went elsewhere entirely.  I became (that's right, became) a golden eagle.  (I had thought I was a hawk, until I google imaged and found out instead I was an eagle.)  I soared through the air and loved every minute of it.  I thought about never coming down, but then I landed on a tree.  The eagle that I was stopped listening to my thoughts when some small creature, probably a mouse, scampered below.  The eagle went after it.  Really great to be a bird of prey when I have been a vegetarian all my life, *she says sarcastically.*  Anyway, the lesson there is that there is a cycle to life, and it cannot be stopped.  We do not choose whether or not to participate, it is simply there.  Life will go on regardless, and the cycle will continue. 

That is not the end though.  My hollow bone ancestor and spirit guide, Sitting Eagle (yes of course, I get it) came to me and hugged me.  He wrapped a blanket about my shoulders and talked to me.  I asked him about my SO.  He said that he could not tell me that everything was/is going to be alright.  I don't know if this meant that he does not know, or whether he is unable to let me know at this times.  Whatever the case, we walked and I did not press him on the subject.

As we walked, we began to pass a countless long line of people doing various things, almost as if watching a move reel backward.  I surmised now that this was the line of my SO's ancestors, because we stopped when we came to a HUGE tree.  I mean, this tree was so big it could rival Yggdrasil.   Looking back, the tree had no leaves, but looked like it was dormant for winter.

Sitting Eagle looked at me and said, "Remember, energy can heal.  You must fill this tree with light."  I was stunned, "But, the tree is so big.  I am not ready. How can I do that?......"  I sat down to try, when the small alarm on my phone went off saying that I must prepare to work.

(interesting that all of this took place in an hour, but felt like 5 minutes...)

The Unclear Questions

Today is a time for shaking off the old burdens and habits, a time for asking the questions whose answers were previously unclear.......That is what I was told in this morning's tarot meditation.  Tarot meditation is something I do almost every day, ritually.  Today was, however, rather different. For one, I did a three card spread, instead of just choosing one card.  I felt this was necessary in light of certain events that have occurred recently.

After doing my brief reading, I journeyed on my day as usual.  I did my yoga, then settled down to do meditation.  I have been reading a book titled Kabbalah and Meditation by Aryeh Kaplan. This particular book is amazing.  I am only about 3 chapters in, but I have learned so much already and am excited about that journey.  As such, I decided to chant YHVH while doing my usual chakra meditation.

Often, when I meditate, I journey with my spirit guides. Today, however, I focused on the Middle Pillar exercise, charging all of my chakras top-down.  Normally, when I do this, I take some time to fully experience each chakra and fill it full of light.  This meditation was different in that I did not have to focus on them, they filled up like water and flowed over rapidly into the next until they were all vibrating.

After filling my chakras, I focused on the name of G-D.  I repeated over and over the names of the letters that comprise God's name.  I cannot describe this feeling, or anything I saw or experienced, but it was beautiful and rich.  I wanted to stay in meditation much longer than I did, but alas.... work, the mundane, calls.....

What does (blank) Mean to You?

A friend of mine, whom I met for coffee this morn, is going through some intensive therapy, and so we often speak of various lessons he as learned as a result. Recently, his therapist spoke to him about "programs."  She told him that we are all running on various programs.  That is why we tend to replay similar situations in our life. For instance, we all know that one person that keeps dating all the wrong characters, all abusive (or insert other such character flaw). That person keeps running on the same program.

One way that his therapist has for identifying a person's programs is through a word association exercise.  Loving such exercises, I asked him to walk me through it. 

 

First, you pick a word, one that means a great deal to you, one that may be an end that you are striving towards.  He chose "love" when he did the exercise.  I, however, chose Clarity, as it has been an aim of my studies for a ridiculous number of years.

The next step is to write the first 5 words that come to your mind upon thinking of your chosen word.  My word Perception, Deception, Illusion, Clear, and Wholeness.  After writing these 5 words, you write 3 word or phrase associations.  From there you choose one of the three and write three more that you associate with that word.  At some point in this exercise, one of your words will refer back to one of the initial 5 words.  That word shows how you define your main word.  For me, as you can see from the photo above, I eventually wrote out the word "Whole" in response to another word.  This means that for me:

Clarity = Wholeness

The Dreaming

I had a very interesting dream last night.  I dream that I was living in a very cold climate with a small group of other people.  We identified ourselves as "People of the Snow Dragon." We understood that all dragons were of fire, but that these dragons only came when snow covered the ground.

In this dream, I had a familiar.  It was the most beautiful of brown crows.  After waking I decided to look up brown crows, as I was not aware that there was such a thing.  It turns out that there is, but they are identified as caramel crows and are rarer than albino crows.

Interesting......

The Journey

Last night was my first journey with the Women's Shamanic Circle.  Our journey involved healing ancestral burdens.  As such, we did a guided meditation to find out an area in need of healing from the branches of our family tree.  Here is a somewhat detailed account of my journey:

I entered the Lower World in the company of my power animals - Owl, Frog, Bee, and Stag.  We went to meet a "Hollow Bone" ancestor.  Mine was a pleasant surprise to me.  Only a couple short months ago, I met one of my spirit guides.  He was a beautiful, middle-aged Native Indian man.  He told me that his name is Iniri.  I was not aware at that time that he is an ancestor of mine.

Before beginning my journey to find an ancestral burden needing healing, I had a "conversation" with him.  He never actually spoke to me, except to tell me his name - Sitting Eagle. Most of his communication was done via images.  He showed me his life in pictures.  He had a child, not sure the gender, and a beautiful wife.  He lived in the mountains, and he often journeyed alone through them, just taking in the beauty of the world.
 

 

After getting to know him a little better, I asked him to help me show me an issue from my ancestral past.  He took me to a place that was, strangely, in black and white.  Judging from the attire of the people, the time period was late 1800s.  There was a lovely, dapper fellow wearing a fine suit.  He had a vest which had a pocket.  In that pocket, was a pocket watch.  He kept taking it out and looking at it, as if expecting something. All the while, he was pacing. 

Sitting in a chair and rocking back and forth anxiously with her baby, was a woman.  She was very lovely with shoulder length, well coiffed hair.  The scene was that of a very well to-do family.  No one I recognize.  They were obviously anxious and waiting for something - news, person(s), I know not.  Before I could get any sort of explanation for their discomfort, my recently deceased GMa broke into the scene.

Grandma came to me full of love and asking me for forgiveness.  As you know from previous posts, my mother was forcibly taken from her.  She told me that this had resulted in my mother having abandonment issues.  She has also been unable to express her emotions freely.  This resulted in her leaving my sister and I when we were just becoming young ladies. 

I did not blame her for any of this.  These circumstances were out of her control, and the Grandparents that I did grow up with, I would not trade for anything in the universe.  Forgiving her wasn't necessary, as I had not felt any ill toward her to begin with.  I assured her that that particular cycle would end with me.  I would not leave my children physically or mentally or spiritually.  I broke that chain of behavior and all of the emotions associated with it.

After I loved on her for a while, I took my leave and wished her many blessings.  Sitting Eagle then helped me to fully cleanse myself of any residual energy.  To do this, he wrapped me in a blanket, and laid me atop a funeral pyre where I was cleansed by ritual fire.

After thanking my Spirit Guides, I came back.  I realize that there will need to be a second journey soon, as I need to know the message being conveyed to me by the fine young couple from the late 1800s, but for now, I am healed and happy.

In preparation....

Recently, I joined a Women's Shamanism group.  They have had a few meetups since my membership, but I have yet to actually attend.  It is not that I am hesitant, not in the least.  However, with three wee ones and an SO to care for, I have to pick and choose wisely my activities out of the home.

This past week, I received notification that there is a circle planned for this coming Friday (11/11/11 - a powerful day indeed!).  This particular circle is for the purposes of "Healing Ancestral Burdens."  I know not what burdens may be lurking among the branches of my family tree, but I do see the need for such healing, so I considered that this workshop could very well be my formal introduction to this group of Wise Women.

As is my practice, when deciding upon an action such as this, I consult one of my oracles - runes or tarot.  A couple of months ago I purchased the Shadowscapes Tarot, and have been nothing but pleased with it.  The interpretations of the cards, along with the depth of the artist's work are utterly amazing.  They resonate deeply. For this reason, I did a 3 card spread to see what I might gain from attending and participating the Shaman circle.  Here is what I drew.....

1) That which represents my current space in life - Six of Swords..... I am dealing with a bit of grief at the passing of my Grandmother.  I grieve for the loss of a future with her, because I was robbed of much of a past.

2) The card which represents who I will be/where I will be if I go to this circle - The Fool...... This does not mean that I am foolish for attending.  In this deck, the Fool is only just the Beginning, Ground Zero, if you will.  The artwork is of a woman on a precipice looking out into the world.  Will she venture forth with wings like the birds around her, or will she fall from great heights?  I am going to this group for the first time, communing with women I have never met, but who are like minded.  I am at Ground Zero in this relationship.

3) The card that represents the outcome of this journey, should I choose to take it on - Ten of Pentacles......This card represents "the ultimate in worldly success."  Depicted on the face of it is a priestess entangled lovingly in the tail of her dragon companion.  She holds in her hand a seed, the beginning of life.  All around her is intricate stained glass.  From this I draw that any barriers that I have placed before myself, or that have been placed as a result of ancestral burdens, will no longer be there to hinder my success.  My path will be clearer, and I will be that much closer to achieving the goals I have set for myself. This class is likely a catalyst for positive change.

I did this reading in the opposite, with a different deck of cards (The Mystic Faerie Tarot), asking what the outcome would be if I chose not to attend and participate.  Though I did not record the cards that I chose, trust me when I say that all three pointed me in the direction of going.  So, go I shall, and I will record the outcome here.....

The Passing

My grandmother passed away only couple of days ago.Thankfully, I had the opportunity to spend a couple of days with her before she left.  GMa was dying of lung cancer, not suprising as she smoked heavily from the age of 14, but still, it was a gruesome and painful way to go.

I stayed at the hospice with my Grandmother and participated in her care as much as I was able. During that time I wanted confirmation that her suffering was going to end soon. It pained me to see her in constant, unmanageable pain.  I had heard of many terminally ill people who see angels and/or loved ones shortly before passing. This, to me, is confirmation of a peaceful journey after the body dies.

The last night I was in my Grandmother's presence, I sought confirmation of a safe journey for her. I am sensitive and aware, but I often discount my awareness and explain it away. However, I cannot explain away my conversation that night. I spoke with my Grandmother's son George - my Uncle.

I have never met George.  He was murdered by a transient before I found this branch of my family tree.  That night, though, he came to my bedside and told me not to worry.  He said that he would personally see to it that my Grandmother made the journey safely.  He would escort her, and would be there waiting for her to the end. 

My Gma, who up to this point in my visit with her had not had the strength to sit up in bed, got up and walked across the room and sat upon the bed upon which I was laying.  I know not where she got the strength, maybe from George, but she came over and told me she loved me.

My List of 25

Each New Year I do this.... This is what I want to accomplish in the coming year....

Body

• eat better - more raw and organic, less dairy and "white foods"
• Run 1/2 Marathon
• do the Danskin triathlon

Mind

• I will put up boundaries between my work and not allow work to take up all of my time
• I will not lose my Arabic skills, but will devote time to improving

Travel

• I will travel to another continent
• my family and I will visit Oregon and my home

Art

• finish writing my graphic novel
• finish my artist's website
• "Dark Night of the Soul" art show
• copyright my book

Family

• actively strengthen
• I will listen more, daily
• I will spend more quality time with Christopher
• walk the dog more

House

• end the clutter
• plant roses to line the fence
• herb and flower garden expansion

Spirit

• continue to pursue self awareness and improvement diligently (reading, yoga, meditation, practice, etc.)

Business and Entrepreneurial

• Modern Edwardian site launch (integrate Lillies and Lace)

Financial

• pay off credit card
• begin instituting Mark Skousen's "Financial Independence"
• start savings accts. for the kiddos
• begin paying off school loans